I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
