Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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