nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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