Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
