My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Randomize
