I am spending my child support on dildos
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
