I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the condom got lost in my hair
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
