I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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