I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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