What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You have to summon your inner elephant
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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