Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
