I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
