This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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