first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
