hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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