theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
did i walk over a car last night?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Randomize
