I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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