just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
