Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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