Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
