He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
