Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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