Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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