I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
