we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
