So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My vagina is officially offended.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
