My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Just high enough for therapy.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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