my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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