I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
