Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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