we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
