I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
