Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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