i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you win again, gameday.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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