before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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