Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
