I just threw up on my dentist
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I am naked and annoyed.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
