I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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