i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
