cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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