ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
