the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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