All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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