I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
