Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
