My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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