oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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