Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
