so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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