those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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