The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
