So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
