What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
