i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
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My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
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Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯