that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
