My liver just broke up with me...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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