Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Drake has all the answers
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
