My nipple is on Facebook.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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