3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
